Monday, June 19, 2006
2nd rule of the starving artist – be a misogynistic bastard
As my fellow starving artist Andrzej stated recently: “Who would we be -- the writers, poets and artists if we were not jealous, mean and vindictive.” If you are thinking about being a starving artist please try some of my tips in order to maximise your charm and output, whilst minimising your effort and all the time being jealous, mean and vindictive....
Here's how my weekend played out, I think it's a fairly good example.
Here's how my weekend played out, I think it's a fairly good example.
Friday Afternoon - Jealously
Meet with your ex-girlfriend, whom you hate but have just discovered is seeing someone else. Out of spite show her picture of your amazing next-girlfriend, who just so happens to be much, much prettier. Ensure that beautiful love poetry is attached to said photograph and make it all too clear that it's meant for the stunning one in the picture.
Ensure that you're really sweet and nice with the ex, at the same time saying outloud how wonderful the new one is - and mention her beauty every three to four sentences. The ex will eventually cave in and you may now sleep with her to guarantee a relaxed demeanour in the evening.
Friday Evening - Mean
Think of your next-girlfriend, (the one you find stunningly beautiful and might end up loving) and prepare a few notes. Try to find out what she likes with subtle, probing questions and then sit down with a bottle of cheap vodka and write her a beautiful love poem. Mine was to a potential Polish girlfriend and was made with aid of beautiful a American potential girlfriend who's madly in with love me, but sadly too far away for oral sex on a regular basis so out of the loop once she goes back to Yankland.
Saturday Morning - Mean and vidicitive
Email your beautiful love poem to your ex-girlfriend to ask her for opinions. She will probably think it's for her - after all you did sleep with her yesterday - and will thus not offer any constructive critism. Not that you want any from that bitch anyway.
Saturday Afternoon - Vindictive
Post your finished poem on a poetry website with a dedication to previously mentioned potential Polish girlfriend and send her the link. Paper is traditional, but this way the whole world can see her name on a work of art. Do it well and she'll love it. You may now sit back and relax as you've just charmed her pants off. Ensure that the ex is sent the link so she can rest assured that the beautiful words were not meant for her.
Conclusion
You have managed to create a work of art that will live forever, get laid and set up two more potential lays and the workload was drastically reduced. If you think that treating women* like shit is wrong, please consider another career. I suggest the Goldern Arches, which is an equal oppurtunities employer. However, when you think about it, the women came out ok. One of them got a love poem from a soon to be famous Starving Artist and another one got to make love to a soon to be famous Starving Artist. I do feel bad for one of them and I'll write her love story soon to make up for it. I promise.** Failing that, give her the chance to make love to a soon to be famous starving artist. Depends on my mood.
*Please adjust to your own gender and sexual preferences.
**Really, I will.
*Please adjust to your own gender and sexual preferences.
**Really, I will.
# posted by Please feed the artist @ 1:10 PM 
